Fibromyalgia, Mental Health, the Pandemic and My Awakening
I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2007 after an emotional trigger caused my nervous system to enter a state of frenzy. As a child, teenager and young adult I experienced deep emotional and at times life-threatening trauma. I never invested the time to process any of it other than the time I was sent to a residential center for “troubled teens” and labeled “emotionally disturbed”. Still today, I vividly recall the inkblot and my response to what I saw in the picture being shown to me. Once I returned to my Bronx neighborhood, I never spoke about it or any of the additional traumas I faced and survived later in life. Mostly because there has always been an unwritten rule of things we should not speak about. But also because In certain communities discussing mental health quickly adds another label to your *“hood” portfolio- “Loca”. Today, I remind folx that mental health is an important tool in maintaining our peace. It is a process we follow to release and process our emotions. It comes in many shapes and forms such as: Talk Therapy, Art Therapy, Music Therapy and more… Many of which I had to use after decades of holding it all in, social injustices and a pandemic guided me on a detour to a messy awakening. Studies have shown that prolonged exposure to psychological stress can create or worsen mental health symptoms.
In August 2020 during the height of the quarantine I experienced a “mental health breakdown”. As the world came to a halt and mostly everyone was restricted, isolated and/or frightened in their homes. I found myself lost between a matrix of two worlds and struggling with some intense reminders of past sin, traumas and visions. My anxiety skyrocketed and I was terrified at the thought that I may have been losing my mind. Although, I had previously experienced visions as a child, this time I found them to be different. The fear of the unknown, marital strife and extra burdens at work triggered a very scary and painful response in my brain. This caused me to be a pioneer of the “Great Resignation” and leave the profession of 18+ years I loved. Due to the worldwide circumstances, it was the only outlet available to protect my mental health. The financial burden and loss of health insurance added more distress. Nonetheless, I had to choose Me over everything! At the time, I could not describe what I was feeling as the mental fog did not allow my mouth to properly register my thoughts and none of it made sense. My family tried to help by taking me to a hospital. This caused additional trauma, as I had heard some disturbing stories about these places and worried about additional financial burdens. Some family members tried to restrain me causing more anxiety and traumatic hurt to my brain. I tried “calling friends” who had shared experiences and stories about the facility I was terrified to walk into. I pleaded they advocate on my behalf to no avail! My hood portfolio had been upgraded and people were turning away.
I eventually found myself at home sitting on my couch with no safety net other than my unyielding faith and desire to heal. I was denied pandemic unemployment because I failed to follow through on the fine print on correspondence I received months later. The administrative law judge at my appeal hearing pressed me with questions causing further anxiety and did not care to understand brain fog, what I was experiencing or that I was capable of working a less demanding job at that point in time. There was no advocate or check box available for people like me struggling with mental illness to request help. My 23+ years of social service work and being employed since the young age of 14 did not matter to anyone. I was left to fend for myself while simultaneously trying to heal and work through the current circumstances.
I often found myself waking up before sunrise and decided to use the time to spiritually connect with the only person who would listen. I prayed, listened to spiritual music, meditated and lit sage and/or palo santo. The brain fog began to subside and I recalled remnants of the past that urged me to release the sin and trauma that was tormenting me. I was now on the path towards a spiritual awakening. I began to understand how the unresolved trauma caused me to self-shield and kept me stuck in situations where my needs were being neglected and violated. I danced through some deep trauma and was reminded to keep my head up.
My journey in life and through the pandemic has been an extensive messy process that I am still working through. I approach it by viewing this as a life long journey that requires me to focus on the present, identifies my purpose in life and requires me to stand up to the slew of injustices that caused my mental health reality!
I work towards reducing stigma in small but mighty ways:
I commit to educating my granddaughter on why to avoid using derogatory labels
I promise to view individuals through a diversity and inclusivity lens where everyone’s reality is welcomed and heard
I embrace vulnerability by sharing my mental health journey
On days when I try to make sense of why I was handed such a huge mountain, I remind myself that what is inside of me is brighter and louder than any darkness that tries to whisper in my ear.
“On days when I try to make sense of why I was handed such a huge mountain, I remind myself that what is inside of me is brighter and louder than any darkness that tries to whisper in my ear. ”
I am currently fulfilling my passion and purpose through the Fibromyalgia Care Society of America, inc where I help people like me living with fibromyalgia. What I am finding is a community that has developed learned helplessness, is isolated at home due to structural injustices like the one I faced during the pandemic and who require a lot more than what we could currently provide. To be 100% transparent, I am doing this on a volunteer basis with no health insurance. I know the injustices that I faced and refuse to walk away from the people most in need of our care and support. With this in mind, I am currently working with a small group of people that can help steer us in the right direction. However, we always need and appreciate extra help. If you are able to send a tax-deductible donation, please do so. If you are able to help in other ways, I welcome the opportunity to discuss how you can help us create a more inclusive and brighter future for everyone in the community.
In Peace, Power & Progress!
Milly Velez